i have learned..

I have learned, that no matter how much you stress or cry about a problem it won’t change it’s outcome.. Or change how fast it is solved. You’re slowly making yourself sick, it’s not healthy.

-I wish I would have known this sooner, because maybe if I would have known this sooner, maybe I wouldn’t worry about every little thing in my life.

I have learned, that no matter how much fight, blood, tears, and love you put into someone if they don’t want to change, or to make something work.. It’s not going to happen.

-I wish I would have known this sooner, because if I had.. I would have saved myself a lot of heartbreak and pain. And maybe, I would have a lot more fight left in me. But, at the same time everything has made me who i am today.. So I’m not too sure about this one.

I have learned, that just because I am manic depressive it doesn’t make me a bad mother, friend, fiance, sister or whatever else I may be. It makes me normal, a normal person with a condition that I cannot control. Just because I say that I can control it, doesn’t mean I always can. That’s like saying the weather man can control the rain when he says it’s going to be all sun. It’s just not going to happen.

-I wish I would have known this sooner, because maybe if I had known this sooner.. I wouldn’t have always blamed myself for friendships ending, relationships, what have you.. I would feel like I am an adequate mother to my daughter on a daily basis, and I would feel like I was a good friend and fiance on a daily basis. Only if I would have learned this sooner…

I have learned, that no matter how long you think a friendship will last- it probably won’t. That sometimes people grow up, have different views, goals and things going on in their lives. That sometimes, friends are not as important as the other things in your life.

-I wish I would have learned this sooner, because maybe if I had then I wouldn’t have blamed myself for doing something wrong. Was I too unemotional, too picky, too needy, too whatever it was at that time.. I wasn’t. People just, well, grow up. But, if they are really true friends- later on in life they will resurface in your lives out of no where.. And it may not be like it use to because you are all grown up now.. But, sometimes, it’s even better.

I have learned, that no matter what plans you have in life or for your life.. Life does not give a crap about your plans. It has it’s own plans for you and for your life. That just because you didn’t want this to happen right now, Life did.

-I wish I would have learned this sooner, because maybe I would have saved a lot of time planning and less time being disappointed in myself. It’s nothing that I have done wrong, it’s just life had a whole different plan for my life than I did, and that’s okay.

I have learned, that when people call me anorexic, bulimic, ugly, stuck up or any other name.. It doesn’t have to hurt my feelings. I can just let it slide off my back, and realize that whatever someone else thinks about me is none of my business..

-I wish I would have learned this earlier, only because maybe I would have better self esteem in myself.. Maybe I wouldn’t have tried so hard to be perfect for every person in my life, except for myself. I never tried to be perfect for myself because i know imperfections are beautiful- but apparently not everyone else thinks so. I have also learned, that what other people hate about someone else, is exactly what they hate about themselves.

I have learned, that no matter how much faith, love or compassion you have for someone or something, if they/it doesn’t matter to/in your life.. It is a waste of your faith, love and compassion.

-If I would have known this sooner, I would have enough faith, love and compassion for myself. But instead, I’ve wasted it all on other people to disappoint me.. To hurt me, to betray me.

Take care of yourself, first.

I am not that mother that will rave about how much she loves motherhood. Because frankly, I don’t love it.
I don’t love early mornings, messy house, fighting for four hours to clean a room, temper tantrums or a sick kid. That not something I decides I ever wanted to do.
My daughter is my life, my whole world. And she knows it. Why?
Because a couple years ago a woman taught me that in order to meet her needs, I HAD to meet mine first.
I don’t wake up to serve. I don’t wake up to meet her every last demand. I’m not, and probably never will be THAT mother.
I take long hot showers, long hot baths, I do not share my food, I do not share my personal bubble very often and I enjoy peeing in privacy. I make sure that being a mother means exactly that, I’m a mother. That still means I’m human. I still have emotions, wants, needs. I make mistakes, I stumble trip and fall. But that’s what makes me a mother.
I am a mother, not a machine. And I’ll never pretend to be.

My daughter knows very well how much I love her. I tell her and show her daily. And I also take care of myself. I may have slipped on physical appearances for awhile, but I’m slowly getting back to caring about that again. Because although I want her to learn that appearances are not the center of the universe, they are important. Important is so many ways, the #1way to show you care about yourself.
I know my daughter knows how much I love her, even with all the sacrifices I chose not to make. I’m not sacrificing my personal hygiene, my nutrition, the love for myself or how I deal with everyday problems just because I became a mother. Just because I am a mother does not mean I do not matter.
It just means I share my love and heart with a little person I helped create. It just means that I am responsible for teaching her valuable life lessons.

And #1?

Take care of yourself first.

i cant save everyone.

but what if? What if I could save everyone? Would everyone be better off with me saving them? I can barely get myself out of bed in the mornings, I can barely keep myself going. But I am the “saver”, I’m the one who everyone comes to when they need a hand up, a confidence boost, a little pat on the back. I give that to them, emotionally, physically, spiritually.

I can barely give myself a reason to get out of bed but for some reason everyone comes to me when something in their life is going wrong. Why? Because I let them. I let them feed off my energy. I let them do whatever they want. I’m a door mat. I am going against my heart and doing something I don’t want to; to keep others happy.

I’m that door mat. The punching bag. That fence post. I’m the one everyone relies on to do the right things in life. Usually at the expense of my own happiness, and I’m tired. But I’m saving them all.

why? Because that’s who I am. I’m the saver, the fixer.

I’ll be unhappy so other people can be happy. I can be unselfish, just so other people will feel like they aren’t. That’s fine.

Because that’s who I am. I’m the saver, I’m the fixer.

i dint know a title.

Next month ill be 25. A quarter of a century.

You don’t think that’s old, huh? Yea, me either- really. Not until you factor in all things that I do. It’s hard to think of yourself as being young still, when you spent the better part of your twenties worrying. Stressing. Wondering. Regretting. Hoping. Then Losing hope. When you’ve spent the better part of your twenties wondering what you did and why’d you do what you did. Then blaming yourself, because ya know, everything is your fault. Then you sit and wonder and all you’ve done with your life and you realize that is completely and utterly, jack-shit. You haven’t done a thing, you haven’t accomplished a thing at all. You realize you’re harder on yourself than anyone else could ever be, and you’re even hard on yourself for being so hard on yourself. For being a high school drop out, beauty school was a bust, spencerian was a ridiculous attempt at a worthless degree, you work at a dead end job with no future in it. You’re hard on yourself because you need medicine, and a shoulder to cry on so consistently. Then, I woke up. I don’t care anymore. I love the path I am on, because I know I am on the exact path I need to be to make me the person I was meant to be. I am a proud high school drop out with a 3.4 gpa. I’m a proud spencerian drop out with a 3.98 gpa. Me not being able to finish school just yet doesn’t have anything to do with my intelligence, just that I was ahead of my path and that’s not where I needed to be just yet. I’m intelligent, I know that. You know what else I know now? It’s okay to be on medicine. I’ve been ashamed of it for the better part of 10years, and I’m not anymore. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that I cannot control. I’m bipolar, manic depressive, and I take medicine. And that’s okay. I’m okay with that now. I am okay with that now. Want to hear it again? I’m okay with the fact that I need medicine to function. You know what else I know? I’m a good mother. I lose my patience, I yell at times and she drives me nuts sometimes. I never said I was a perfect mother. My daughter is intelligent, beautiful, funny and caring. I think I’m doing a good job as a mother, and I’m raising a good kid. Because you know what? I’m a good mom.

Something I’ve never said out loud..

I found out I was pregnant 4 1/2 years ago. I was upset, distraught.. depressed. I dropped out of high school for a boy I followed to a different state. Then, hair school. I was 20 yrs old and had not a thing together in my life. John and I had just bought a run down, piece of crap one bedroom trailer with no air or heat, and barely any running water. Why  would I go and get
pregnant? Why wasn’t I more careful? What was I suppose to do with a kid in a house that wasn’t even suitable for adults?
Apparently move in with my sister, leave john for 6 months.. get back together with him then move back in with my parents. Way to go Tiffany, you’re life is right on track. Good job.
Then two weeks before my scheduled c-section of them taking my daughter almost two months early, I had my car stolen. I was having a lovely pregnancy experience, on top of all my other complications.
I went in to have my  c-section, and everything went wrong. Who has a panic attack in the middle of them cutting into you? I do.
I wasn’t ready. I wast ready to have a kid.. but in ten minutes, id be a mom. Someone this little person would forever look to for guidance. How in the hell do you guide someone to the right path, when you yourself, don’t even know what the right path is? Terror. Panic. Anger. Disappointment. Then..

I didn’t feel a thing. Nothing. Everyone told me as soon as I seen her I’d love her unconditionally. That I would be so attached that I’d never let her leave my sight. They were right, I did love her unconditionally. But I didn’t feel that bond with my daughter like everyone said I would.
I waited, and waited and waited some more. Nothing.  Nothing I did helped me fill that feeling I needed.
I was a piece of shit. I fed my daughter, I kissed her, I loved her so much, I interacted with her like I was suppose to. But I still felt nothing, no bond. I was a piece of shit. Why couldn’t I feel that bond with her? Was it because of my extreme depression? Was it because I had such a bad experience during my pregnancy? I honestly have no clue, but I did learn that I wasn’t a piece of shit because I didn’t feel a bond. I was normal. I was scared, young and felt alone. I was normal! What?! It’s normal to not feel that bond with your kid? Sure is, a lot of women go through it and are too afraid to say anything, like me, in fear of being looked at like a piece of crap.
You’re not. Not even a little bit. You are wonderful, you are important, you are NOT alone.
But you know what happens?  One day you wake up and you look at that little person, you see the love they have for you. And then, suddenly, as if out of no where,  you are filled with so many emotions. You realize that you couldn’t live without this little person who drives you insanely mad daily, you realize that because of them you ARE on the right path. This little person was put in your life to wake you up, to make you realize you need to get your shit together.

On June 21st, 2011, when my daughter was 9 months old- I received my GED with the highest scores. (I was very smart in high school), and in Jan of 2012 I enrolled in college. And although I had to take time off of school, I know I will go back to finish my degree. I know I have my daughter to thank for waking me up. And now, I know for a fact that I wasn’t a bad mother because I didn’t feel a bond with my daughter immediately, I am normal. And I now know that no matter how crazy this little girl drives me, I could not imagine my life without her. I love my daughter more than I could ever explain. And I feel we have a stronger bond now, because were one in the same, neither of us were ready to bond with each other when society says is an acceptable amount of time. I’m her mother and she’s my daughter, you can’t expect anything easy to come from us.

http://asecretmamatalks.com/iveneversaidoutloud

What NOT to say..

I don’t know why, but it really bugs me that depression is still something that is looked upon in a bad light. Really irks me.
I have, and do suffer from major depression. And it’s not simply something I can just “control”.
So I was thinking of things people say to me that makes me want to scream..

1.why can’t you just smile?
        -bitch, if I could smile; I would.
2.Eeverything will get better.
         -i know eventually everything gets better, and even 95% of the time things aren’t as bad as I think they are.. telling me things get better, doesn’t make me feel any better.
3. Trust God.
          -I want everyone to know that just because I’m depressed doesn’t mean I’m riddled with demons.. or I don’t trust or believe in God. But telling me to trust him doesn’t help my depression.
4. Why can’t you just be happy?
             -for real? Someone says that to me one more time I’ll punch you  in the throat so hard I’ll collapse your windpipe. With people who
suffer from depression, happiness is not a choice. It’s a longing, a want.. a dream.
5. You’re crazy.
               -no. No I’m not crazy. But you call me crazy one more time I’m going to flip shit so hard you’re gonna know what crazy is.
6.happiness is a choice.
                -if happiness were really a choice for people with depression don’t you think I’d choose it? I mean it’s not like I wake up every morning and think to myself “hmm.. I could be happy but I think I’ll choose to want to feel hopeless and worthless today. Yea, I’ll do that..”.. Riight.

People don’t understand that depression is not a choice. It is a very serious, very common aailment that plagues more people than you may realize. Sometimes you just need to shut up and listen, or just be there. We don’t need your “words of encouragement”. Because most of the time they make us feel worse. We just need someone to sit and listen, or to make us laugh. Don’t come to us with your guilty encouragement. We don’t need it.
Just realize that when someone does or says something, it’s not for your sympathy.. it’s a way for us  to say we  need help or a way for us to say we need you to sit and listen. To be a friend. To TRY to understand that what were going through and feeling; is NOT a choice.

I’m that failure mom.

I fail myself daily. I fail my daughter almost every second of everyday.
I put her to bed early because my anxiety has gotten the best of me. I don’t read to her because I’m so worn out by her “bad” behavior I just can’t read one line of a book to her.
I raise my voice, I chuckle under my breath out of aggravation, I spank. I cry out of frustration and anger. Some days I remember she is only three, but some days? I’m tired of the threes. I’m tired of the temper tantrums and being a failure of a mom. Some nights I pray that she would wake up and she would be a different kid, and that she wasn’t so misbehaved. Not a “different” kid, but her behavior was different.
But truth is, I’m the failure. I’m the one that needs to change. I’m the one who fails to see how much she looks up to me and sees how I handle my frustration, and she follows my lead.

Man oh man, does she follow my lead. How do I not let her down? How do I stop failing myself, by failing my daughter? Honestly, I couldn’t tell you. I’m still working on my orange rhino challenge. I fell one day while paying bills, so I had to start all over again after being successful for 12 days. But that’s ok, because I’m a failure. I’m the failure mom. But you know what I am also teaching my daughter?
Its okay to fail, its okay to fall down. As long as you pick that shit back up and keep truckin’.

I have the worst anxiety and major depression, and being in this economy with no health insurance doesn’t help at all. But I shouldn’t let my daughter be the blunt of my burden. So I’m trying to teach my daughter through my failing of a mom moments, that’s its okay to not be perfect. As long as your keep trying.

I cry at least daily at the way I handle our situations. I’m harder on myself than anyone else, and with that- I’m harder on my daughter. I just don’t want people to look at her and think “oh well its okay, she’s still catching up” or “oh she have developmental delays so its ok for her behavior”… its not okay to me. From the time I had her, and probably the rest of my life ill probably always be hard on her. Because I am not successful, as a mother, worker, or anything in my life. I am not successful, and I want HER to be. I want her to have everything in life she wants, by being successful. And at three, that’s a hard thing to accomplish.

So I will always and forever willingly admit that I am a failure as a mother. Not only can I not wake up at six am every morning, but some days I don’t even want to get out of bed. But I know that my daughter will always and forever have a mother that is day in and day out trying for her. That is willing to accept that failure at the end of the day, and even celebrate the small victories we have during the day.

So if you think you’re a failure as a mother, keep thinking that. Because even if you fail every single damn day of your life as a mother, but wake up the next morning and TRY to succeed the very next day- you’re not failing. You are going to win eventually.. just keep failing. Keep failing, and you know what you will do? You will learn from those exact failures and you will win one day.

Keep failing mama, just don’t forget to get back up and keep truckin’.

When I grow up, I want to be like my daughter.

Sometimes I get so mad at motherhood, not because I hate being a mother. Because I don’t, I love being a mother. My daughter watches my every move, copies me and wants to be me. Even at three years old, I am her hero. Mommy is her “best fwend”. But that, exactly, is why I hate motherhood at times.

I can’t mess up, I can’t make mistakes and I can’t do the easy road. Sometimes I look at my life and get so frustrated and annoyed because of how hard I’ve had to work and how far I haven’t come. Then I watch my daughter sleep with her mr.lion and snoopy, and realize how much stronger she is than I am.

Have you ever noticed how much a child goes through? You can spank their butts, punish them, take toys away and sit them in the corner.. and guess who forgives you ten minutes later? That same child. That, forgiveness, is real strength.

I was in the store the other day just looking around, my daughter was in school so I needed to get out of the house. I overhear this woman saying “you’re being so damn stupid. Just shut up.” And “if you don’t shut up I’m going to beat your ass”. I wasn’t sure if she was on the phone or who she was talking to, she comes around the corner to where I was and there is this little boy, no older than five or six, with her. The look in this little boys face was pure sadness, I was appalled. How could anyone talk to a child in such a manner? To demean your own child to the point that they look defeated by life, at such a young age! As I was leaving the store, this same mother and her son also happened to be leaving as well and he looked up at her with a new toy car in his hands and said “thank you mommy. I love you so.”
Now that is real love. That little boy will probably grow up to have such low self-esteem and not believe in anyone or anything.. but in that very moment that little boy didn’t care, he knew his mother loved him. He knew that he was cared for and that no matter what, his mother would make him feel better.

I don’t understand how children can so easily forget, or how children can so easily bounce back from almost anything. Maybe its because they still have their innocence and haven’t faced any and every adversity that life could throw at them. But that’s what makes children so amazing. They see everything with innocent eyes, and accept everything with an open heart.

I admire my daughter, and every child as a matter of fact, because they can forgive, love, accept and cherish even the smallest parts of life. Like a small toy car, or a “good job” from mommy or daddy. When children grow up, a lot of them turn into cynical and fearing people. Why can’t we grow up to be just like children? Why can’t we grow up and still continue to love, accept and cherish every aspect of our lives? I know I wish I could go back in time and tell myself this as a kid, life is hard; but its worth it. Don’t grow up too fast, and never stop loving and growing as an accepting person.. I don’t know about you..

But when I grow up, I want to be just like my daughter.

Can’t mommy’s be selfish?

I don’t understand. Maybe its just me, maybe I am just selfish. But these pictures and “memes” saying things like “here’s to giving up hot showers, non pajama clothing, and going to the bathroom alone”, just drive me insane.
I’m sorry, but I DID NOT sign up to be a mother put myself on the back burner. That’s not what motherhood is about.
Motherhood is about putting someone before yourself, but also taking care of yourself. You have to first take care of yourself, before you can take care of another person- who completely and solely- depends on you.

I give myself that time. I take LONG hot showers, I wear nice clothes. I do my hair and make-up (on occasion, I’m not a hair and make up kind of girl). But first I make sure my daughter is well dressed, has eaten and is well. But I always make sure I am presentable as well. Yes, some days I do wear sweats and a baggy shirt. But that’s because I choose to, not because being a mother has taken all everything I value for myself.
If being a mother hasn’t taught me anything else, it has taught me that if you want to teach your children to take care of themselves and to care for themselves, you have to show them that you care about yourself.
Don’t make them feel like because of them you no longer care what you look like, or how you smell or when and what you eat.
THAT is selfish.

40 things I would like to teach my daughter.

1. You are beautiful. Inside and out. Beauty is a state of mind, not a state of body. You can be the most beautiful person on the outside, but if the inside doesn’t match, it’s all a waste.

2. Food is your friend. Do not let society make you thing it is wrong to eat what you want, or not eat. If you are healthy, that is all I care about and all you should care about. Your weight on a scale is just a number, not your life.

3.Learn how to cook, clean appropriately, and do it because you love to. Not because you were told it is what you were meant to do.

4.Words can build bridges between people.. They can also burn them. So use your words carefully.

5. Always fight fair, but never be afraid to fight. And never hit below the belt, see number four.

6. A strong man is NEVER threatened by a strong woman. Be a strong woman. With independent thoughts and dreams.

7. Prince charming isn’t a fairytale, he is a myth. Every man has his flaws, even he good ones.

8. No matter how many mistakes you make, I am your mother, I will always accept you and love you unconditionally.

9. I hope that I can teach you that God is also unconditional. No matter how many mistakes you make, he will always be there willing to listen; even to your smallest prayers.

10. Don’t be afraid of a broken heart. A broken heart is what will be your road map to true happiness.

11. NEVER, I repeat, NEVER let someone walk all over you. Once they have, they will never stop. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and never be afraid of confrontation. Confrontation is the forefront of compromise. And never be afraid to compromise.

12.Friends will come and go from your life, some you will learn to accept easily. And some will be harder than you ever expected. But I hope you learn that true friends, no matter how far away, no matter how long it has been since you have talked; they will always find their way back to you. Always.

13. I love you should never be an easy phrase to say. It is complicated, messy, and can be devastating. Use these words kindly, never lie, and never take them for granted.

14.I want to hear from you. I want to know how you feel, I want to hear if you disagree with me or my decisions. And not just because you want to, but because you have a voice. A voice that I want to be heard by nations, by worlds. And by disagreeing with me, your mother, it will help strengthen that voice and make you confident.

15. There will always be mean girls, no matter where you go. Do not ever let them get the better of you. The only way to guarantee that you do not care if someone is talking about you; is to never talk about someone else. They will always talk, always. But this time, it won’t bother you.

16.Never let someone tell you that your dreams don’t matter, or that they are insignificant. Every genius, every CEO, every doctor, started out as a dreamer.. Albert Einstein was just a lowly tax consultant. Until someone believed in him. Guess what? I believe in you!

17. Hot baths are the best kind of therapy.

18. Take care of your teeth, if you don’t- you,ll regret it later in life. I promise.

19. Never under estimate the power of a kiss, or a hug. And don’t just throw them around like toys either.

20. You are special, one of a kind. Do not conform to what your friends think is acceptable. Do what makes Charlene, Charlene.

21. Never forget to smile. Your smile has brightened my day everyday since you were small.. You never know who’s day you make just by smiling at them.

22. I hope you learn that school, although irritating and glum, it is essential. Do your best in school, and as long as you show me you are trying your hardest, I might be upset over a bad grade.. But guess what? You tired your hardest, and that is all I ask for.

23. You will be my best friend, and my buddy. But never forget, I am your mother first. and althought we WILL fight, I hope you know that you can always come to me. Call me where ever you may be.. A party you weren’t suppose to be at, a friends house in the middle of no where- I may be mad, but I hope you know your mother is the first person you can always call. You can always depend on me.

24. I am going to make mistakes, and I hope you forgive me every time. Sometimes you’re going to make mistakes, but I know and hope you learn, I will always forgive you I will always accept you.

25.Never let a boy take advantage of you. If doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. And never lead a boy on.A broken heart is not a nice thing to have.

26. You can be anything you want to be. I will support any rational decision you make.

27. Choose your friends wisely. Like it or not, you are labeled. And you don’t want to be perceived as something you are not.

28. Drive cautiously.

29. Talk to people in person. You will never learn more about someone more than you will if you were in front of their face.

30. Respect your elders. Even if they don’t deserve it. They deserve it.

31. Be nice to strangers. Be nice to people who are ugly to you. You never know what other people are going through. You never know their family circumstances, or family secret problems. So always be nice.

32.Don’t ever be ashamed to cry. Crying is not a sign of weakness, but strength. It takes strength to show people your true feelings.

33.Please never care more about the way you look more than you care about what is in your head. Your beauty will fad, but wisdom is forever. Brains is beauty.

34. But do remember, that sometimes, it is better to look presentable- than messy.

35. There are thousands of people out there without a house, food or decent clothing. Please learn to appreciate your finer things in life. because out there, someone is dying to have just an ounce of what you have.

36. Life is beautiful, even the messy parts.

37. You are the sunshine in my cloudy days. Always.

38.Music is more powerful than a most words that are spoken. I hope you find passion in music, and find it is more than it seems.

39. Your virginity is not something to be taken lightly. It is an important part of yourself that should not be thrown around. It is a special thing that should be shared between two with a special bond. Someone out there is WAITING patiently. WAITING.

40.Live your life to the fullest. It is okay to be scared. It is okay to fall. As long as you pick yourself back up and learn from your mistakes. You will always succeed. Just put one foot in front of the other, and if you stumble, I will be right there reminding you to stand yourself back up; and try again.