I’m that failure mom.

I fail myself daily. I fail my daughter almost every second of everyday.
I put her to bed early because my anxiety has gotten the best of me. I don’t read to her because I’m so worn out by her “bad” behavior I just can’t read one line of a book to her.
I raise my voice, I chuckle under my breath out of aggravation, I spank. I cry out of frustration and anger. Some days I remember she is only three, but some days? I’m tired of the threes. I’m tired of the temper tantrums and being a failure of a mom. Some nights I pray that she would wake up and she would be a different kid, and that she wasn’t so misbehaved. Not a “different” kid, but her behavior was different.
But truth is, I’m the failure. I’m the one that needs to change. I’m the one who fails to see how much she looks up to me and sees how I handle my frustration, and she follows my lead.

Man oh man, does she follow my lead. How do I not let her down? How do I stop failing myself, by failing my daughter? Honestly, I couldn’t tell you. I’m still working on my orange rhino challenge. I fell one day while paying bills, so I had to start all over again after being successful for 12 days. But that’s ok, because I’m a failure. I’m the failure mom. But you know what I am also teaching my daughter?
Its okay to fail, its okay to fall down. As long as you pick that shit back up and keep truckin’.

I have the worst anxiety and major depression, and being in this economy with no health insurance doesn’t help at all. But I shouldn’t let my daughter be the blunt of my burden. So I’m trying to teach my daughter through my failing of a mom moments, that’s its okay to not be perfect. As long as your keep trying.

I cry at least daily at the way I handle our situations. I’m harder on myself than anyone else, and with that- I’m harder on my daughter. I just don’t want people to look at her and think “oh well its okay, she’s still catching up” or “oh she have developmental delays so its ok for her behavior”… its not okay to me. From the time I had her, and probably the rest of my life ill probably always be hard on her. Because I am not successful, as a mother, worker, or anything in my life. I am not successful, and I want HER to be. I want her to have everything in life she wants, by being successful. And at three, that’s a hard thing to accomplish.

So I will always and forever willingly admit that I am a failure as a mother. Not only can I not wake up at six am every morning, but some days I don’t even want to get out of bed. But I know that my daughter will always and forever have a mother that is day in and day out trying for her. That is willing to accept that failure at the end of the day, and even celebrate the small victories we have during the day.

So if you think you’re a failure as a mother, keep thinking that. Because even if you fail every single damn day of your life as a mother, but wake up the next morning and TRY to succeed the very next day- you’re not failing. You are going to win eventually.. just keep failing. Keep failing, and you know what you will do? You will learn from those exact failures and you will win one day.

Keep failing mama, just don’t forget to get back up and keep truckin’.