Something I’ve never said out loud..

I found out I was pregnant 4 1/2 years ago. I was upset, distraught.. depressed. I dropped out of high school for a boy I followed to a different state. Then, hair school. I was 20 yrs old and had not a thing together in my life. John and I had just bought a run down, piece of crap one bedroom trailer with no air or heat, and barely any running water. Why  would I go and get
pregnant? Why wasn’t I more careful? What was I suppose to do with a kid in a house that wasn’t even suitable for adults?
Apparently move in with my sister, leave john for 6 months.. get back together with him then move back in with my parents. Way to go Tiffany, you’re life is right on track. Good job.
Then two weeks before my scheduled c-section of them taking my daughter almost two months early, I had my car stolen. I was having a lovely pregnancy experience, on top of all my other complications.
I went in to have my  c-section, and everything went wrong. Who has a panic attack in the middle of them cutting into you? I do.
I wasn’t ready. I wast ready to have a kid.. but in ten minutes, id be a mom. Someone this little person would forever look to for guidance. How in the hell do you guide someone to the right path, when you yourself, don’t even know what the right path is? Terror. Panic. Anger. Disappointment. Then..

I didn’t feel a thing. Nothing. Everyone told me as soon as I seen her I’d love her unconditionally. That I would be so attached that I’d never let her leave my sight. They were right, I did love her unconditionally. But I didn’t feel that bond with my daughter like everyone said I would.
I waited, and waited and waited some more. Nothing.  Nothing I did helped me fill that feeling I needed.
I was a piece of shit. I fed my daughter, I kissed her, I loved her so much, I interacted with her like I was suppose to. But I still felt nothing, no bond. I was a piece of shit. Why couldn’t I feel that bond with her? Was it because of my extreme depression? Was it because I had such a bad experience during my pregnancy? I honestly have no clue, but I did learn that I wasn’t a piece of shit because I didn’t feel a bond. I was normal. I was scared, young and felt alone. I was normal! What?! It’s normal to not feel that bond with your kid? Sure is, a lot of women go through it and are too afraid to say anything, like me, in fear of being looked at like a piece of crap.
You’re not. Not even a little bit. You are wonderful, you are important, you are NOT alone.
But you know what happens?  One day you wake up and you look at that little person, you see the love they have for you. And then, suddenly, as if out of no where,  you are filled with so many emotions. You realize that you couldn’t live without this little person who drives you insanely mad daily, you realize that because of them you ARE on the right path. This little person was put in your life to wake you up, to make you realize you need to get your shit together.

On June 21st, 2011, when my daughter was 9 months old- I received my GED with the highest scores. (I was very smart in high school), and in Jan of 2012 I enrolled in college. And although I had to take time off of school, I know I will go back to finish my degree. I know I have my daughter to thank for waking me up. And now, I know for a fact that I wasn’t a bad mother because I didn’t feel a bond with my daughter immediately, I am normal. And I now know that no matter how crazy this little girl drives me, I could not imagine my life without her. I love my daughter more than I could ever explain. And I feel we have a stronger bond now, because were one in the same, neither of us were ready to bond with each other when society says is an acceptable amount of time. I’m her mother and she’s my daughter, you can’t expect anything easy to come from us.

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